Over the next 40 days (at least) I’m going to chronicle the diabolical, hellacious, unforgiving regimen of dieting. I’m restarting Timothy Ferriss’s 4 Hour Body Diet where I eat nothing but tuna, grilled chicken, veggies, and beans. No sweet, sweet sugary cinnamon buns, no decadent chocolate cake, no creamy milkshakes, nothing of any deliciousness will be allowed to enter my body. I say restart because I tried this at the beginning of this year and stuck with it for about 10 days before giving in when I was being constantly bombarded by chocolate and biscuits and good stuff….and then I started again a few weeks later. Unfortunately for me on day 3 I noticed that it was Cadbury Egg season and I can’t resist those delicious, creamy, chocolate shells of mysterious goo.
I’m ready to start again inspired by my wife’s recent decision to start the controversial HCG diet (or as I affectionately call it the Ethiopian Diet with shots). I read through all of her information detailing the painstaking torturous diet she was about to embark and realized that there would be less food in the house and it would be an opportune time for me to kick in with my diet as well. I found that the ingredients to our diets were similar; protein, veggies, and enough water to hydrate the entire state of Rhode Island. The main differences are that she gets only a restricted amount of veggies, a parakeet’s mouthful of meat, and a two fruits a day plus shots of HCG, B12, and Lipovite. I get to eat all the veggies I want (which benefits me very little considering my absolute disdain for them), I can eat lean meat all day, beans, beans, and more beans but I get no fruit. Needless to say these diets are going to be enough to kill two people who have an insatiable love affair with food so I thought it would be fun and quite possibly keep me honest if I kept a daily log of our ups and downs, trials and tribulations, and absolute misery of our weight loss journey. I will try to make this as unboring as possible and be completely honest in the entire endeavor. So that’s the introduction to this thing, so here we go.
Katie got to start on the HCG shots two days ago but she also got to do the only fun thing of her whole diet. The first two days consist of gorging yourself to the point of hating food. The pamphlet calls it “priming the fat cells”. When Katie read that portion she asked, “What the hell am I priming my fat cells for?” “The upcoming Armageddon that your body is getting ready to endure my dear” I told her. She took full advantage of the “priming” and ate fried green tomatoes, chocolate cherry cheesecake, pizza, fettuccine alfredo, and other horrible heart clogging delights. Aww but today was a new day, today was the start of her strict 500 calorie per day veggie/meat/2 fruit dilemma. Her day started late, and I do mean super duper late. One the downfalls of the HCG is that it makes your tired, extremely tired. Luckily she doesn’t start back to work for two more weeks so she can afford the luxury of sleeping until 1 pm. To be fair she did get up at 6 am to give her first injection of the day. I asked her why she didn’t just stay up at that point and she told me that she needed as few hours in the day as possible otherwise she’d be thinking of nothing but eating for the rest of the day.
I started out with just drinking coffee, mainly because I was too lazy to make some bacon (how awesome is that? Bacon in my diet!!) I find that as long as I keep myself busy, I won’t get to hungry and luckily for me but unluckily for my son, he had to be picked up from school because he got sick and my morning was spent with tending to him and taking him to the doctor. I didn’t get to eat until after 1pm and grilled Katie and I some chicken and made her the first plate of completely measured out and weighed veggies. I was fine but Katie looked at it with the look of a kid being told for the first time that there is no Santa Claus. I looked at the plate of diced up cucumbers like a plate of AIDS and skipped it and just ate more chicken.
Katie’s dietician explained when she went for the initial consultation for this HCG thing that the first week would be the equivalent to the 7th level of hell. He told her that she would be in crying tears of starvation, that she would beg to quit, that she would try to trick people into giving her food, she would have zero energy, and all and all would be a completely miserable, moody bitch. Well on day one all of this diet all of that came into fruition. After lunch she had me hide peanut butter and Nutella, I had to give away any cake or cookie mixes to her dad’s restaurant, and I had to deny her first Iced Caramel Dunkin Donuts latte. By the time dinner rolled around (and I say dinner in the ironic sense possible), the kids were home. Now it would be child abuse to make them do a diet like this so we are trying to feed them healthy but reasonable but Katie still can’t look at their food without drooling like Hooch. So to avoid having to see real food, she had to eat her grilled chicken and cucumbers and get the hell out of the kitchen. She went to the complete other side of the house to avoid seeing them eat their pizza. By 9pm, she was resigned to give up. “I can’t do this, it’s impossible, screw it I’m doing Weight Watchers!!” At the beginning of this I had agreed with her that no matter what I wouldn’t let her quit and encourage her as much as possible. So we argued momentarily about me getting her a cupcake in exchange for sexual favors and as hard as it was to not buy the cupcake I had to resist. In the end I did convince her to finally keep up with it, so onward we pressed.
As for myself, I’m having a decent time of it. I’m trying to keep busy and not think about it. I did all the laundry, dishes, swept, vacuumed, and did all the general maintenance around the house to avoid the thoughts of cheeseburgers. When I graduated high school, I was a nice, well rounded, muscular 265 lbs. Over the years I have ballooned up to 315 back to 285 to 300 to 290 and at the start of this I’m at 300 again. I plan on sticking to it and exercising daily, although it will be hard. I wrote down everything I ate for the day and noticed that the only thing close to a veggie that I ate was a black beans. So tomorrow, I will resign myself to a commitment of pounding away at veggies until I want to throw up. Here’s to being not skinny but a lot less fat!!
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