Day 2: Cabbage, Water, and other things to make you hate yourself

Like this except less gay and
only mildly attracted to Mark
Whalberg

Day 2 is at a close and I sit here at 2:43 in the morning to hash this out.  For me today was a little easier, I went to the gym first thing this morning and I worked it out like a freak (or as freaky as a man my size can).  I did 50 minutes of cardio and did a lot of lifting.  By the time I was done I was human mush, I could barely move my arms, my body was void of energy, and I left a sweat puddle in the sauna that could be confused with a small pond.  The gym has been a vital component that I’ve missed over the past few weeks.  At the end of last year, I was at the gym 6 or 7 days a week, 2 hours a day.  Then a dose of life happened and I was in the hospital for a week and on home health care for 18 days.  I felt like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights minus the gay tendencies:  I was fat, out of shape, and felt wildly inadequate.  The working out is what I’ve been wanting more than the diet, the diet of course is an important component but the gym is going to be my saving grace.

The conclusions I can draw from today are:

·         Water may be good for you, but drinking over 100 ounces of it makes you feel like a whale that has forgotten how to swim.  It’s like drowning inside of your own body.

·         Cucumbers are only tasty when they have been soaked in some sort of brine or vinegar and spices and turned into a pickle.  Otherwise they are tasteless, gag-reflex-inducing, little circles of green garbage.

·         Panini makers actually double as fantastic tools to grilling chicken.  We don’t have an actual grill, we’re not supposed to fry it (because that would be counter-productive to the whole diet thing), and baking it makes it devoid of all moisture and yumminess.

·         Also an addendum to the water thing.  It gives you a completely unsatisfied feeling of being full.  You think to yourself, “I’d love to eat something with taste” but then you realize that your stomach has been turned into 6^th Great Lake and has no room for any other substance.

·         Veggies still suck

·         I’d rather watch Ron Jeremy get a rectal exam than eat or smell cabbage again.

Cabbage or Ron Jeremy getting a medical
procedure?  Sadly, I'll watch the rectal exam

Tonight I’ve had to address this veggie issue, so I bit the bullet and went out and bought broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, asparagus, and about an acre’s worth of spinach and greens.  Mmmmm, I can’t wait to gag down the first fist full of green leafs.  I don’t know how to cook any of this crap so I guess I’m just going raw, but I’d figure I couldn’t cook it anyway since neither Katie nor I can have any butter or oils. 

Speaking of Katie, she did well today.  She kept herself insanely busy all day but then ran out of gas around 7pm and lost all energy.  The only major mishap of the day was her attempt at boiling cabbage.  I guess she didn’t realize that when you boil cabbage you can’t turn it on full blast heat and walk away for 45 minutes.  I passed by the kitchen and I felt like my nose was being raped.  The smell of scorched cabbage is akin to cat vomit rolled around in motor oil with a 10 gallon bag of farts squeezed into it.  Not surprisingly, it also tastes exactly like that as well.  Cabbage is one of those things I’ll not be touching during this diet.

I think we all know that there is nothing
inside that blue raisin pouch

I better wrap this up for the night because I’ve got to get up in 4 hours to do it all over again.  Dammit, I just want some liposuction and some horse steroids….scratch that, I don’t want to go out like Kanye West’s mom and I don’t want my balls to be confused with raisins.