Day 3: Cigarettes are a Great Dieting tool

Day 3

See?  If it's good enough for Brad
Pitt to stay thin & in-shape with,
then it's good enough for me.

Well what can I say about  diet day #3 except to say that it has been a cruel, post-menopausal, schizophrenic, narcissistic, sociopathic day….oh wait, those were the words I had for my mother-in-law not the diet day.   The diet day has been relatively easy and the key to the “watching what I eat” portion of the day has been a combination of a natural plant substance that has been mixed with roughly 500 some odd chemicals, rolled into some slow burning paper, had a filter attached to it, and produces a sweet soothing, calming effect.  That’s right, I’m talking about cigarettes.  I know how bad they are for me, I know they cause cancer, I know I’m slowly shedding years off of my life, but if your day has been the steaming pile of llama turds that mine has been then there is nothing quite as great as a good cigarette.

I won’t get into all of the specifics of the insanity that constantly bombarded me and Katie all day (because that is more fitting for my other blog) but it was one of those days when your mother-in-law drives you to the brink of insanity and you just want to binge eat.  If I would’ve allowed myself, I probably would’ve eaten Bacon Cheeseburger Alfredo Milkshakes.  Katie would’ve done the same minus the burger part, I’m sure she would’ve been content with just a Bacon Shake.  Stress always makes me want to do one or two of five things:

1.       Eat to the point where I can no longer see my feet

2.       Practice being a supermodel and starve

3.       Smoke cigarettes until my lungs hurt and my mouth tastes like a bum’s dirty bunghole

4.       Have some strong drinks courtesy of the good Captain Morgan

5.       This option’s not legal in TN yet, so you’ll just have to guess

Doesn't this just scream, "Kill me faster!!"

Today I wanted nothing more than to do all but #2…all at once.  Luckily I restrained myself and only stuck with #3 and smoked half a pack.  Every time I wanted to eat something I just stuck a delicious Marlboro Light (or as they are now known in their more politically correct name, Marlboro Gold.  Which, by the way, does anyone actually call them that?  I like the look of the new Marlboro Black pack, it makes me think that I’ll for sure get lung cancer) in my mouth.  I did eat though but only the daily requirements for my diet and I ate 59 steamed shrimps, 2 cups of spinach, 1 cup of broccoli, a handful of baby carrots, and some cauliflower.  Today was the first time I’ve ever eaten raw cauliflower and hopefully the last.  I felt like I was eating elf warts and it’s exactly what it tasted like too.

As for Katie, since this was her mother that was wreaking havoc on life it made today that much harder for her.  She probably doubled my cigarette intake and she broke down and ate a teaspoon of peanut butter!!!  That sounds so ridiculous to even say, but her diet is hardcore on that stuff.  I doubt there will be any side effects and if there is then I call b.s. on the entire program. 

So what did I learn today?

·         Cigarettes make a great dietary supplement

·         Cauliflower tastes and looks like elf warts

·         A mother-in-law on a rampage makes a diet hard and you’ll want a teaspoon of peanut butter

·         Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully less cigarettes and cauliflower will be consumed.